101 Ways To Kill Varice Kingsford
by Chirugal
Summary: I'm killing Varice multiple times... and I'm taking suggestions... **Death By Tiger Skin Up!**
1. Death By Crocodile

101 Ways To Kill Varice Kingsford 

By Numair's Daine

**Summary:** We all hate Varice, right? Admit it. She's evil. But now, as we go through _The Emperor Mage_, we can write Varice's death in every scene!

**Rating**: R for violence…

**Disclaimer**: Tortall and all its humans/creatures/objects… I own them not. More's the pity.

**Author's Note**: If you don't like this sort of thing, don't read! I think I'll let you guys come up with ways to kill Varice… just make sure it's realistic (e.g. don't ask me to write death by Remington shotgun, because as far as I'm aware, Carthak doesn't have them…)

***

Here's one to start us off:

Death One: Falling from the Galley into Crocodile-Infested Waters 

A/N: God, I'm loving this already. Imagine Varice was in the welcoming party when Daine jumped into the river to save Zek. On with the show…

***

Varice strutted towards Numair, completely confident of her ability to re-ensnare him in her net and drag him into her bed. Her one-time lover stood conversing with his former teacher, his face grim.

"Arram!" she called in her most alluring voice. Numair looked up, stunned.

"Varice?" He sounded surprised, but not unhappy to see her. Varice took that as a good sign and pulled him from Lindhall's side, chattering nineteen to the dozen.

"Oh, Arram, I have missed you so… You really must tell me about all of your adventures in those savage northern lands –"

Suddenly, a loud splash caught their attention, and Numair rushed to the side of the galley with the rest of the crowds to stare at a girl swimming towards one of those hideous marmosets. Varice followed him, shuddering, and shouldered her way aggressively through the congregated onlookers to stand beside him. "Really, Arram, do they not teach them protocol in that place?"

In reply, Numair merely stared out at the girl, who had by this time reached the monkey, his face tense. Varice leaned out over the railing to wave a hand in front of his face. "Arram –"

Her words tapered off into a shriek as she lost her precarious balance and fell with a somewhat larger splash than Daine's in the lukewarm waters of the river Zekoi.

Coughing and spluttering, fighting panic, she surfaced. She had never been a strong swimmer, and found herself struggling to stay afloat. One thing that did not escape her notice, however, was the black fire that pulled the soaking girl and monkey over her head and onto the deck – Arram's Gift had always been black, she recalled with a touch of hope that was quashed as she went under again.

In kicking towards the surface, Varice felt one of her expensive, craftsman-made shoes slip off, and with a howl of grief she took a deep breath of warm air and dived, attempting to locate the precious accessory. The tendril of fire Numair directed at her missed, and Varice frantically explored the river bottom with her hands, feeling her lungs begin to burn from lack of oxygen.

Finally, her hand touched something, and Varice swam for the surface, oblivious to the fact that she was pulling a crocodile's tail with her. When she dizzily took a breath, she let it out in a shrill scream as the crocodile's maw, lined with razor-sharp teeth, loomed to meet her.

Resigned, Numair gave up his attempt to rescue her as Daine screamed at the crocodiles with all her magic to stop.

You denied us the monkey, came the calm reply, thick with delight at the luscious meal they were devouring. Food is scarce. We must eat.

And eat they did, as the muddy waters of the Zekoi grew tinged with red…

***

Yaaaay! Varice is dead! Want me to kill her again? Click the review button and tell me how!


	2. Death By Tiger Skin

Thank you for your input, everyone! I now have plenty to work on. :) The delay in updating is because I wasn't sure if I should put this one up… it went in the wrong direction so I was conferring with A Girl Called Candice as to whether I should put it up. Eventually I decided I'd take my chance with the flames… On with the show!

***

**Death Two: Eaten By the Tiger Skin Rug In Daine's Room**

A/N: Imagine that Varice comes to Daine's room after she and Zek have just dried off from falling in the river…

Daine deposited her new friend on the bed, where he nervously clung to Kitten, and approached the tiger skin rug that lay on the polished marble floor. She hated to think that what had once been a vibrant, living creature was now degraded in such a way. Fur was not meant to be walked on – it was to be grown for warmth and camouflage by the creature that needed it.

With a shudder, Daine bent and put her hand on the remains of the dead creature, and her palms grew uncomfortably warm and itchy. When she tried to pull away, white fire briefly poured from her hands to the rug. In disbelief, Daine stared at her palms, wondering, What was that all about?

Kitten and Zek stared at her from the bed. "Kit," Daine began shakily. "What–" She was interrupted by a knock at the door, and pushed her questions aside as she went to answer it.

A blonde, shapely woman barged past her into the room. "Hello, I'm Varice Kingsford. I hear that Arram is your teacher, and I'd quite like to seduce him later this evening, so I wondered if you could answer some questions for me about how he's changed in the last ten years –" (A/N: this isn't supposed to be realistic dialogue! I couldn't think of a better reason for her to be there…)

Catching sight of something over Daine's shoulder, Varice went deathly pale. A strangled cry came from her throat. Feeling mixed anger at the woman's nerve, and confusion at her sudden change in behaviour, Daine followed her gaze and gasped herself.

The tiger skin was alive. It stood unsupported on its paws, empty space where its body should be, and it was prowling steadily towards Varice with an unmistakable look of hunger on its formerly-blank face. Where glass eyes had once been, real ones now fixed her with a predatory glare as it slowly advanced, its intention all too clear.

Daine, panicked, tried to call out to the skin with her magic, but it either ignored her or could not be communicated with. Varice swayed, and before Daine could catch her she slumped to the floor in a dead faint, hitting her head on the hard floor with a crack that Daine, in spite of herself, found quite interesting.

The tiger skin took no notice of the girl who had inadvertently animated it – it reached Varice's fallen form and began to lap at the small trickle of blood that ran from a cut at the back of the woman's head. Daine's instinct was to run out into the corridor and call for help, but then too many people would know about this strange new power. All she could do was stay rooted to the spot, staring in horror as sharp teeth moved towards Varice's neck…

Kitten covered Zek's eyes with a paw, squeezing her own tightly shut, as the tiger lunged in one swift action and ripped out Varice's throat. Blood sprayed everywhere, and Daine backed against the wall, terrified, as the tiger systematically moved to the blonde's stomach and pulled out her entrails almost playfully.

Unable to look away, Daine pushed down the nausea that rose in her throat, and cried out in disbelief as both Varice's body and her various piles of gore began to fade away. An old woman's voice said in her head, "Never did like her. Far too promiscuous." The tiger skin dropped, exanimate, to the marble, and when Numair and Alanna found her some time later, they found her huddled against the bedpost, staring at the crumpled but clean rug that lay on the floor, as rugs do.

***

Okay, that just went from comedy to disturbing… I promise I'm not an axe-murdering monster, and I really don't know where all the gory stuff came from, so please don't flame…


End file.
